Doylebrau.com Glossary of Terms

Astrovan: Though the official name of this model of van is Astro, the given name of our van is Astrovan (can also be called “the Astrovan”). Those who call it Astro are politely asked never to ride in it ever again.

Beer: If you have beer to offer me, I’m like some sort of dancing monkey… And a couple of hours later, I’m like a drunken dancing monkey.

Cheese Balls: Though a delicious snack, if eaten in large quantities cheese balls will do major damage to the digestive tract. The only brand of cheese ball recognized by doylebrau.com is the Utz brand, which features a serving size of 32.

Cheeseburgers: Can be used to bribe me. For other tools of bribery, please see Beer.

Doylebrau: This is the name of the beer that I would eventually like to bottle out of my basement/garage/spare room. I will find a way to make it taste like eggnog, and I’ll brew it year round. Venture capitalists, now’s your chance…

Eggnog: Eggnog should be written as one word, without a space. Since modern recipes contain egg, but no nog, it does not make sense to leave the two words separated. That and Wikipedia uses eggnog, and if they say it’s so, then I ain’t asking no questions.

F-Train: The train, when I take one, that I currently live on. Does that make me cooler now?

Long-Haired Chihuahuas: ::Melt:: One of my dreams in life is to own three. Yes, you read that right. Three.

Monster Trucks: One day I will drive one again. I’ve been a fan since I was eight. Also, Monsterjam is one of the few NYC areas activities where you won’t find people attending because it’s “ironic.” I don’t know what the insulative value against hipsters is, but I ain’t complaining!

Neopolitan Milkshake: This special milkshake is a blend of the three normal flavors of milkshake offered at the Valatie McDonald’s–Vanilla, Chocolate, and Strawberry. Occasionally, special flavors, such as Eggnog or Mango, were substituted for one of the main three. This shake was a favorite of mine during my employment there.

Other Patricks: If I meet another person named Patrick, my immediate reaction is to smack a fist into my palm, and then demand to know where that Patrick is, so we can fight. If I am reassured that this other Patrick is “cool” then the urge usually subsides.

Parallel Dimensions: Whenever something goes slightly not according to plan, I have to supress the thought that I’ve somehow wandered into a parallel dimension where said thing does not exist. Example: If I leave my eggnog in one room, and think I left it in another, when it’s not where I thought it would be, my first thought is that I’ve somehow blundered into a parallel dimension where eggnog does not exist.

Rootbeer: My favorite flavor. There are several A&W Rootbeer restaurants within a 60 mile range of NYC that I’m considering making a pilgrimage to.

Valatie: My hometown. Making people read the word and try to pronounce it is one of my favorite stranger games.

Wrestlemania: My superbowl (just as unwatchable, but $50 more to watch). Every year I say to my friend Pedro, “We’re getting Wrestlemania this year, right?” And every year Pedro says, “Do we have to?” And every year we watch it…