Global Warming: Crisis Averted
Posted in Uncategorized on February 8th, 2008 An area man claims to have invented a singular solution to the greatest problem facing our world today, global climate change.
By inverting a few simple household rules, Patrick Kennedy, a 27 year-old aspiring urban planner, is staring in the face of destiny, or so he maintains in his press release.
“Remember when you were young,” begins the seventeen page tome, “and you could never seem to keep the door closed when you came in from outside? What did your mother say? She said ‘Shut the door! What are you trying to do, air condition the the whole neighborhood?’”
That is the cornerstone of Kennedy’s plan: On the hottest days of the year, run all the air conditioners possible and open all the doors and windows.
“It’s so simple, it’s genius,” said Kennedy during a recent morning show interview, “and I have my mother to thank. Who’d have thought that all that nagging would ever lead to something positive!”
Kennedy’s mother could not be reached for comment, though sources close to the Kennedy matriarch said that she was saddened by her son’s apparent misunderstanding of her words.
Not wanting to confine himself to just one calamity, Kennedy has also created a contingency plan for warding off the next ice age. Much like his global warming plan, this also revolves around a pearl of wisdom.
“‘Shut the door, you’re letting the heat out.’ that’s what she’d always say,” said Kennedy. “Well this time, it’s intentional.”
Though the formal plans were passed over in the EU, China, South Korea, North Korea, Brazil, Mexico, and Harris Drive, Kennedy still plans to push for the United States to adopt his policies. I’m talking about forward motion here, true progress, and I have my mom to thank for it!”