Striking Wordsmiths Paralyze Tinseltown

As the writers’ strike enters its second week and many of America’s favorite daily programs remain in rerun mode, there seems to be no end in sight to this quandry of a dilemma.

“I’m speechless, literally speechless,” said a young television executive on his way into NBC headquarters in Rockefeller Center as he waded through the throngs of angry picketers. He declined to elaborate.

Striking over such issues as internet royalties, end credit placement, and complementary buffet access, writers across the country collectively pushed themselves away from the proverbial typewriter at midnight, Halloween night.

“It’s a shame that the timing worked out like this,” said Grevis Chitsworth, lead writer for the popular Public Access television show This Week in Twine, “I was this close to finishing up a prequal for Herbie: Fully Loaded when the clock struck twelve. Man, I was on a roll, too. When you’re hopped up 3 Musketeers bars and Tang like that, it’s tough to just put it down. And sure I was in the final scene, but what was I to do? Become a scab? Never!”

It’s solidarity like this that kept the ‘88 writers’ strke going for 22 weeks. In the dark days of twenty years ago intrepid wordsmiths banded together, burning half-finished scripts for heat and investing in communal pencil sharpeners and jumbo boxes of quill pens straight from the factory.

“That strike was the best thing that happened to me. I met my wife around a burn barrel full of Saved By the Bell spin-offs,” said Roger McCalister, a rather rotund rosy-cheeked man, bedecked with “Royalty Rights, Write Now!!” buttons, and clutching a “Fight for Your Writes” picket sign.

The ‘88 strike resulted in 10 percent fewer viewers coming back to network television after all the dust settled, which was bad news to both sides of the conflict. It also resulted in a number of movies being greenlighted for production, including: Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Fletch Lives, and Weekend at Bernies. With the advent of cable television, these gems are quickly becoming the Chernobyls of the film industry.

“I can’t even begin to describe to you how this will cripple Hollywood, and thus the world,” said Thomas Flapyack, a creatively challanged management employee of Comedy Central.

With each side prepared to take the strike into the new year, both camps are digging in for a long, tough battle. The writers armed with lawn chairs and thermoses of coffee. The executives with multiple seasons of Flavor of Love and a Survivor spin-off titled Last Accountant Standing: Trenton.

In a statement released by CBS executive Richard Duthurd on Thursday, he said, “It is impossible to put into words what this strike has done to the CBS family. We are very unpleased.”

Indeed, with many of Hollywood’s honchos hobbled by the strike, it seems that many more will be unpleased before this is all over.