If I’m Not Around Next Week
It’s because I capitalized on what I believe to be the next craze in weight loss and have purchased my own private island with the cash from my earnings.
I was thinking today, as I passed the nutritious lifestyle posters at my gym, there is a weight loss method that I don’t think anyone has ever tried before, and it’s absolutely fool proof! It’s a gold mine!
At the bottom of the industry, of course you have the 40 billion dollars worth of pills, shakes, oils, creams, rubs, suppositories, juices, and voodoo that are designed not to work, or to work temporarily.
Then you have the fad diets, Atkins, Weight Watchers, the eggnog diet, etc.
And after that there’s the healthy diet and exercise camp. Those people got a good idea, but they really need a marketing department. The cat’s been out of the bag for years on this one and it has yet to catch on.
Followed by the more extreme gastric bypass surgery, which can easily fix the symptom and part of the problem, but is not always a surefire way of keeping weight off.
But my method is sure to work. It can’t possibly fail! Simply remove all non-essential internal organs in one fell swoop. Seriously, you’ll drop at least ten pounds, and that’s weight that’s not coming back!
Think of all those extra organs you’ve got swimming around in your insides. Aside from the tonsils and the appendix, you’ve also got two kidneys and a pair of lungs, so one of each can go. Plus, people have been known to live long, healthy lives after having their gall bladder or spleen removed, so why not take both out now! And you don’t really need all of your intestines or your liver, so the doctors will snip out the unnecessary parts while they’re rooting around for a few of the more necessary arteries and veins.
Ladies, you can get all your special girly parts removed, leaving much more room for the organs you have left, and besides, if you’ve already gone this far, you’re doing the world a favor by not having kids anyway.
And don’t think we forgot about you gentlemen! Don’t wait until your prostate is giving you a problem, get it yanked while decreasing your testicle count by one!
Yes folks, this is weight that’s not coming back, no way no how!
Who wants to sign up?!
(My get rich quick scheme, get your own.)