doylebrau.com

So, a few people contacted me about my most recent post, citing the recent examples of establishment-biased editing in Wikipedia.

Sure, Wikipedia is falable. It always was. It’s constantly changing, often pranked, slanderized, pimped out, trash talked, and everything else that you can think would happen to a typical community with no real police force except it’s own upstanding citizens.

And I’m certain that for the four examples I provided above, there are hundreds more, maybe even thousands that have not been found yet. But we are finding them; we do rule Wikipedia, don’t we? It’s a democracy in the purest form of the word. (From the Greek: Demos:People, and Kratos:Power). The people hold the power here, all of us. And of course there are going to be some bad apples that want to spoil the whole thing; every society has a criminal element, after all.

Thankfully, now that WikiScanner is on the case, Wikipedia just got itself a bonefied legal system. How does Wal-mart editing it’s own page to make it sound like the company actually pays a living wage hold up once the whole thing is out in the open? Propaganda doesn’t work very well when you know it’s propaganda.

So, to sumarize: I have faith in Wikipedia, but not blind faith. I reserve blind faith for Hulkamania…

While reading a newspaper article today, I happened upon a sentence mentioning everyone’s favorite tubes expert, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, who apparently had a little too much work done on his home, at least too much to convince Federal Prosecutors.  But anyway, I wanted to know what was going on with Ted, so I typed “Ted Stevens” into google and hit return.

The top three sites were as follows:

1. The Wikipedia article on Ted Stevens
2. The Wikipedia article on “Series of Tubes”
   
3. Ted Stevens’ Official Site

Tubes references aside, what has happened here is that more people are going to the impartial collectively edited, collaboratively constructed, online encyclopedia than to the senator’s own site, which is filled with, well, bullshit.

I decided to check my results against a few other politicians.  I think I got a good cross-section in the short list below.

• John McCain’s official site comes up first, followed by his Wikipedia article
• Same thing for Orrin Hatch
• Same thing for Chuck Schumer.
• Same thing for Nancy Pelosi

Personally, I’d rather see the Wikipedia article first for all politicians, but having it appear first for those mired in scandal is a good start toward that goal.  At least we know that the unbiased truth is being saught by the majority.

But when you think about it, that’s really the only thing that those four have in common.  None of them are under federal investigation right now.  Maybe that’s why more people are taking them at their word than are going to their Wikipedia pages…

I was sitting at my friend’s birthday party Friday night and I got to thinking, didn’t I stumble home from this same friend’s birthday party last year and write a blog post on it? Wouldn’t that make this blog just about a year old? Well, turns out Doylebrau.com was born exactly one year ago on Friday. Cause for celebration, I’d say.

But how exactly do I celebrate the paper anniversary on a blog? I was thinking of the cop-out clip show, where I just link to my favorite posts of the past year, but then that’s no fun. And really, do you want to read this crap again?

Then I got to thinking: what about a joke. I should tell a joke; my favorite joke.

Here goes…

A little ducky waddles into a bar and goes up to the barkeep.

“Whatdaya want?” says the grumpy barkeep.

“Yaaaa got any gwaypth? says the plucky duck.

“No, no grapes. Now scram little ducky, you’re under age.”

The little ducky leaves the bar, but just five minutes later the barkeep looks up from a shot glass he’s polishing and that same little ducky is waddling up to the bar.

“What now?” says the barkeep.

“Yaaaa got any gwaypth?”

“No! And if you come in here again I’m going to staple your little ducky feet to the floor!”

The little ducky scurries out the door and the barkeep goes back to polishing his shot glasses. But just a few minutes later, as the barkeep is incorrectly pouring a Guinness, he in enraged to see the little ducky in the bar again.

“What now, little ducky?”

The little ducky cocks his head to one side slightly, then says, “Yaaaa got any sthayplths?”

“Well, um, no,” the bartender answers.

There is a pregnant pause. “Then ya got any gwaypths?!”

This joke loses a lot on paper, but trust me, tell it with the right pronunciation at a party and you’ll own the room.

Happy Birthday to me.

In today’s immediate gratification, hyperedited, New York minute, culture, we seem to want everything now, everything compressed, sound-bytes, pull-quotes, the sixty second version, that sort of crap.

At first I thought that this is just another result of the influence of the MTV generation.  Say what you want about MTV now, but when it first started up in the early 80s it was revolutionary programming and was constantly pushing the envelope with respect to standards, practices, and especially style.  Though the content and style has undergone massive changes since its initial inception, one thing has remainded consistent on MTV: In almost all of the programming, you don’t see anything for more than four seconds.  Try it, sit in front of the television, turn on MTV, and count the seconds between cuts.  After an hour, you’ll be able to count the amount of times you made it to five seconds on one hand.  It’s been like that since day one, and in terms of attention span shortening, it was only the beginning.

The “tightening” of ideas has produced an interesting by-product, though.  Ever watch a movie trailer that was better than the actual movie?  I have.  In fact, most movie trailers are better than the movie.  To be fair, trailers are advertisements by design and are able to take approximately two minutes of footage from anywhere within the entire feature film and show it in any order desired.  (Plus most movies are crap nowadays anyway, and ad teams are especially good at making crap smell nice.)  But with the proper disembodied voice and music, any movie could look like a must-see.  Or you could even completely change the subject of an existing movie, like this trailer, or this one.

What really got me to thinking about all this (I know, I know, I buried the lead. Again.) is an idea for a story I had the other day.

Initially, I came up with an idea to base an action/adventure story on the phrase “Is there an English major on the plane?!”  But I realize that this idea was not going to provide much substance for the story and, really, once I tossed that one up it would be all down hill from there.

A also had this idea for a Heart of Darkness/Apocalypse Now-esque epic about a young reporter who must journey into Bahrain and somehow secure an audience with Michael Jackson.   The sights he sees on his way through the desert range from the terrifying (a circus train full of malnourished children sitting on a track that abruptly ends, waiting for the rest of the railway to the Jackson Estate to be completed) to the sublime (a man on a camel who is selling every type of Jelly-Belly jellybean from within pockets within his robes too numerous to count).

Then the other day I got a brilliant idea for a story about a man who gets his vocal cords removed and must communicate via a synthesizer, but the only words he can say are: “Push it.” and “Outta control.” and occasionally “Domo Arigato.”

What all three of these have in common is that this is the only way they can exist.  Trust me, I’ve worked out the logistics and they’re all lost causes.  So I guess sometimes the blurb is better than the story… 

While waiting for my chicken sandwich at the corner deli today, I was drawn to the second paragraph of the front page New York Times article. Regular readers (all eight of you), will know that this issue strikes a chord with me, but if you don’t mind, please indulge just one more time. In the article titled Concerns Raised on Wider Spying Under New Law, the first paragraph states that Democrats are concerned that this law is just a little too unconstitutional powerful.

The administration counters in the second paragraph, reproduced below.

Administration officials acknowledged that they had heard such concerns from Democrats in Congress recently, and that there was a continuing debate over the meaning of the legislative language. But they said the Democrats were simply raising theoretical questions based on a harsh interpretation of the legislation.

Call me paranoid here, but the “strict vs loose” interpretation argument as the only line of defense is not exactly what I’d call comforting. Whether the questions are theoretical or not, this law “theoretically” allows these “theoretical” situations to happen, does it not? A “harsh interpretation” is still an interpretation, is it not?

I think James Madison put it best when he said that he created a system essentially to be run by devils. He was referring to the system of checks and balances, he couldn’t actually see the future. But the point is: It doesn’t matter whether or not our current administration ever would abuse the expanded powers of surveillance that they temporarily have, what matters is that since it’s all legal now the only thing that’s stopping them is what’s written in the second paragraph of that story.

Spent the weekend in Chatham with Greg and Astrid. We hung out, drank a lot, watched the clouds pass, you know, the normal stuff. Oh, and this…

Photos by Astrid.

Taking my own advice, I went in yesterday and had my semicolon removed.  The doctor told me I’d have to change my diet slightly, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach all these dependent clauses.

Goodnight everybody!!  I’ll be here all week!

It’s because I capitalized on what I believe to be the next craze in weight loss and have purchased my own private island with the cash from my earnings.

I was thinking today, as I passed the nutritious lifestyle posters at my gym, there is a weight loss method that I don’t think anyone has ever tried before, and it’s absolutely fool proof!  It’s a gold mine!

At the bottom of the industry, of course you have the 40 billion dollars worth of pills, shakes, oils, creams, rubs, suppositories, juices, and voodoo that are designed not to work, or to work temporarily.

Then you have the fad diets, Atkins, Weight Watchers, the eggnog diet, etc.

And after that there’s the healthy diet and exercise camp.  Those people got a good idea, but they really need a marketing department.  The cat’s been out of the bag for years on this one and it has yet to catch on.

Followed by the more extreme gastric bypass surgery, which can easily fix the symptom and part of the problem, but is not always a surefire way of keeping weight off.

But my method is sure to work.  It can’t possibly fail!  Simply remove all non-essential internal organs in one fell swoop.  Seriously, you’ll drop at least ten pounds, and that’s weight that’s not coming back!

Think of all those extra organs you’ve got swimming around in your insides.  Aside from the tonsils and the appendix, you’ve also got two kidneys and a pair of lungs, so one of each can go.  Plus, people have been known to live long, healthy lives after having their gall bladder or spleen removed, so why not take both out now!  And you don’t really need all of your intestines or your liver, so the doctors will snip out the unnecessary parts while they’re rooting around for a few of the more necessary arteries and veins.

Ladies, you can get all your special girly parts removed, leaving much more room for the organs you have left, and besides, if you’ve already gone this far, you’re doing the world a favor by not having kids anyway.

And don’t think we forgot about you gentlemen!  Don’t wait until your prostate is giving you a problem, get it yanked while decreasing your testicle count by one!

Yes folks, this is weight that’s not coming back, no way no how!

Who wants to sign up?!

(My get rich quick scheme, get your own.)

So, I just realized that every post I’ve written since the 6th has been a rant of some sort. I don’t mean to be such a Negative Nancy (farbeit a Grumpy Gus), I guess this is just what’s been on my mind lately. So I want to get this blog out of the dumps, and I want to do it right. So I’m going to share with you something that I believe represents not only everything that is right with this country, but also (miraculously), everything that is wrong with this country. And it makes me so happy every time I see it.

Yes, you may argue that this is bread and circuses, entertainment for the masses, a distraction from the many, many issues that actually matter. And you’re absolutely right. As much as I love Twiggy and her 300,000 plus views, I also know that he is just a very recognizable example of an epidemic that has gripped this country. For those who don’t know what I mean, please read 1984 and then Brave New World. Which one seems closer to reality? (Present administration excluded.) For a great analysis on the whole subject (and a whole lot more), check out Neil Postman’s Amusing Ourselves to Death, over twenty years old and still a good read. Or dig a little deeper. Or get caught up with the present. So, yeah, you probably say, things like this, and American Idol, and US Weekly are turning us into mindless consumer zombies that couldn’t give a hoot what our government does cause, honestly, all that stuff is really boring anyway.

You may argue all that, heap your reasons upon me. But I argue this:

She’s a water-skiing squirrel! Come on people!! Twiggy is so friggin’ cute!! And on water skis!!

Yes, the architect of one and a half successful Bush presidential campaigns is stepping down at the end of August, saying “There’s always something that can keep you here, and as much as I’d like to be here, I’ve got to do this for the sake of my family.”

Personally, with his only son currently enrolled at Trinity University, this is the best time for Rove to spend time with his family. If only my father had decided to work long hours driving an irrepairable schism through the uniting the country instead of coaching me in little league (my peers called me Striker! [but with love]), bringing home pizza on Fridays, riding sweeper when we took family bicycle outings (yeah, it’s the whole family), driving half the neighborhood to school in the morning (we were too close for a bus), and making me finish my vegetables when I was five (”Eat half.” “Okay, now eat half of that.” “Okay, now eat half of that.”), maybe I would have turned out a better man than I am today…

Yeah, Rove, time to be a stay-at-home Dad. You’ll get to spend all of three weeks embracing the joys of parenting before Turd Blossom Jr. is off to college.

But seriously, why does every single disgraced politician, get-while-the-gettin’s-good politician, discraced corporate executive, and powerless public figure use that same excuse: “I’m leaving to spend more time with my family.” What a load of crap. It’s about as hackneyed as a rock band splitting due to “creative differences,” or a professional entertainer taking time off to “face personal demons.”

How about something a little more believable, like “I saw which way the wind was blowing and decided to leave now before the whole she-bang imploded on itself.”

Well, I’d believe that, but I don’t think Rove would. Sad thing is, I think Rove actually belives his own spin. I think that he’s been shilling his particular brand of crap for so long that he’s absolutely convinced of his justification for all of it. My take on the whole thing goes something like this: Rove is at his desk, he stands up and walks to the window, surveying the deeply divided nation he has worked so hard to split apart, he walks back to his desk and leafs through the latest casualty reports from the war in Iraq that he not only pitched, but sold, then sighs contentedly and says to himself: “Well, I’ve done all I can here…”