Impending Disaster

The other night I watched a rather depressing documentary, The Future of Food. Yet another sob story about how corporate america has gained way too much power, is massively under-regulated, is building the house of cards as fast as it can, and that the population of the world (excluding these people) will be the ones who end up paying a very dear price in the very near future.

Are you fucking kidding me? Cry me a river, its all relative, life isn’t fair… (+2 quarts of eggnog if you understand that reference)

But trivial matters aside, there is a real crisis that is facing this country, a crisis that is poised to strike in just 3 years, 6 months, and 2 days. The impending disaster I speak of is, of course, the 2011 New Years Eve Novelty Glasses Crisis, which threatens to shake our drunkest holiday (excluding all the other drinking holidays) to its very core.

New Years Eve Novelty Glasses, which this site is attempting to pass of as “graduation” glasses in an effort to clear out stock, are built upon a simple principle: two circular digits in the middle of the year. All my life (I was born in 1980) there has been a circular digit, either an 8, a 9, or a 0, occupying both middle digits of the year. In 2010, we will see a taste of the chaos we are in store for, as the revelers in Times Square are forced to mill about in a sober, shivering, huddled mass, all bumping into each other because they’re going cross-eyed from staring at the 1 between the two 0 eyes of their $20 novelty keepsake glasses. And that’s just the beginning…

What will happen in 2011? What will the semi-scary dudes on street corners sell when the curtain falls on 2010? Who will buy these new 2011 glasses?

I tell you now. Al Gore can’t even imagine a Keynote presentation that will properly prepare people for the horror they are about to face. Be afraid people of Earth, be very, very afraid. The only thing that can save us now is a time machine…